S02E48
[00:00:00] David Dowlen: Here's the million dollar question. How do men like us reach our full potential and grow into the men we dream of being, or taking care of our responsibilities, working be good husbands fathers, and still take care of ourselves. That's the question. This podcast will help you with those answers. My name is Brent. Welcome to the fallible man podcast.
[00:00:23] I want to invite you today to do something totally insane by most people's stance. Turn off all the other distractions. And give me 30 minutes guys. That's all I'm asking. No social media, no background music. Go for a walk or run. Sure. But putting your headphones, take the next 30 minutes for yourself and be present with the sound of my voice, because I'm going to watch the kids close the door.
[00:00:45] Give yourself permission to dedicate 30 minutes to yourselves. I know I'm asking a lot.
[00:00:54] I know I'm asking a lot, but in 30 minutes you can change your life because what you will learn in 30 minutes is how to do something that all people who are successful with their goals already know it's no secret. We live in one of the busiest times in history of the world. There is something fighting for your attention from the minute you wake up until you finally collapsing your bed.
[00:01:17] At the end of the day, we go from one thing to the next. The social media industry is estimated to have topped over $65 billion in 2021. Guys, everything we do is designed to occupy your Headspace and keep your attention because that is the currency of the world. These days, your attention, your phone apps are designed to be addictive.
[00:01:40] Streaming services are designed to keep you binge watching all day long. We're praised and exalted for multitasking. I'm right there with you guys. This is a constant fight for me, just like a pretty much can guarantee it is for you, whether you realize it or not. And guys is hard to admit sometimes, but this is a real struggle for all of us is to be present in the moment.
[00:02:03] The truth is your brain can focus on three or four things at once, but none of them very well think about that. All four of those things are getting approximately a quarter of your attention and that's without any distractions have. We talked about in another podcast, it takes an average of 23 minutes to recover from any distraction that you incur while you're doing something, how much more effective and efficient can you be?
[00:02:29] If you put a hundred percent of your effort, focus and intentions on one thing, how much do you miss with your mind on three things? Am I let said it best with far too often? We don't know the value of the moment until it's a memory. Gentlemen, that's profound because it's true. Hindsight sucks because you can clearly see everything you missed.
[00:02:57] So it's time to do something about it. I'm going to share with you in this podcast, six steps, six things to work on that will help you be more present in the moment and anything you're doing guys. And I promise it will change your life. Number one, you are not your thoughts. We are hugely nostalgic creatures, and we all have that friend that always goes back to the good old days and let, and a lot of us have been guilty of retreating there ourselves every now and then we all also know that dreamer that is always imagining their, what ifs and if only's or their future, a lot of people live dual lives, guys.
[00:03:37] They only, the one day only imagined in their head. And the one reality it's tragic that we hate our lives so much that we have to separate out a different life in our heads to find some kind of happiness. People get lost in their own minds to hide from the fear life unfolds in the present, but you're constantly living in the past or the future.
[00:04:00] We worry about tomorrow's work. Tomorrow's bills, tomorrow's problems. Tomorrow's concerns tomorrow's scheduled and tomorrow is imagination. You have to bring your head and your heart into the moment with your physical person. You should absolutely dream a little about where you want to go with your life and the plans you have for the future.
[00:04:22] But dream a little imagine, but then make a plan, create a schedule, sticks to it, stick to it and execute. Stop living in your head guys. That's number one, stop being so self-conscious as numbers. You can't be in the moment. If you let your insecurities take your head, take you back into your head. All the fears, slights imagined slights concerns and uncertainly that you have light to live in your head.
[00:04:55] One of the truest examples that of this I can share with you are the people who are afraid to go to the gym because they're afraid of being judged. I've been in the gym for years. I'm a gym nut. I have logged a lot of workouts and I'm still far from perfect. And it's usually my own doing guys. I won't lie to you about that.
[00:05:13] And I never have, you can't reach your goals if you're worried about what other people's thoughts and reactions are, and you can't be focused on what you're doing now, if you're distracted by concerning yourselves, with what other people think as a gym rat guys, I can tell you. We don't pay attention to other people who go to the gym.
[00:05:32] Not those of us who are really serious about it. If anything, we acknowledge that you're there. We see you. And we appreciate that you there acting, instead of just talking about acting, we're not really focused on you. We're only focused on you. If you get in between us, in our workout. Now, if their thoughts were worthy of your concern, then, and I'm not talking about the gym.
[00:05:58] If the thoughts of all the people you're concerned about that you get self-conscious over, we're worthy of your concern. Then those people will be close enough to you that they should be supporting you, not judging you. And if they're not, then they're not worthy of stress. Are your time. Have you worried about it guys?
[00:06:16] Stop being self-conscious it keeps you from being present in the moment you guys have you're learning anything along the way, be sure and hit that like button subscribe, share the content with your friends. Hit the little YouTube bell. If you, for notifications, if you're on YouTube, the guys share this with a friend who needs learned to live in the moment and not live in the imaginary world of social media are in their head.
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[00:06:42] Number three, guys, I want you to learn to savor the moment now I can't speak to all men, but I know a lot of you guys eat your food pretty fast. Like I do. I definitely many accused of inhaling my food more than once or twice. I once read that if you truly enjoy your food, you should chew each bite slowly and thoroughly, intentionally was the word they used to intentionally feeling the texture of it, experiencing each flavor and smell, you know, like all those wine solves in the movie who like sniff the wine and can tell you what kind of dirt it was grown in and what kind of chicken poop they used to grow it.
[00:07:23] And all that. Right now, I'm not going to tell you, you should do that with food guys. Cause I still Wolf down my food pretty quick and I love every single bite, but the article did have a point that's relevant here. When you're doing something. I want you to try this without totally sidetracking yourself, because it's easy to do, but I want you to try this.
[00:07:43] Okay. So write this down. If you're taking note. I want you to answer these questions about the situations you're in. Who's here with me. What do I here? Where am I physically? What do I smell right now in the moment? What do I taste and why? Here in this moment. Now you should gather this data to the point where you could write a short story and an answer, all those questions.
[00:08:12] Now, when I say write a short story, guys, I want you to literally paint a picture with your words. I want you to save her the input of all those things. And when you talk about the smell, if you were tapped to have to talk about the. I want such description that I can smell it when it comes off the page.
[00:08:36] When you talk about where you are physically take notes about everything, is the sun up? Is there blue skies? Are there clouds? Is it warm? Is it cold? You know, geographically where, but guys, I want you to answer those six questions. So go back, pause the episode. If you need to and write those. Who is here with me?
[00:08:58] What do I here? Where am I physically? What do I smell? What do I taste? Why am I here now? Why am I asking you to do this guys? Because if you take the time to observe that about each moment you are in, then you will be engaged in the moment. It will be more than a passing thing because you have to put away the electronic devices.
[00:09:21] You have to turn off your cell phone or set it down. You can't be focused on Instagram. While you're obtaining that kind of information. That is the kind of attention I want you to pay. So savor each moment, for example, I've told you guys in the past that I'm very protective of my time. And so Wednesdays are my days with my children.
[00:09:46] From the time I get off my nine to five job till the time I put them to bed and Wednesdays are my day with my children. So in that. I need to smell. Are we, are we having popcorn? Are we, we like popcorn's with M and M's at them. Are we having fresh popcorn with M and M's? Is there soda being drank? Am I drinking coffee?
[00:10:08] Have my children recently had a shower. Can I smell the shampoo in their hair? Is their curl up next to me? What are we watching together? Are we watching a movie? What sounds are in the movie? What sounds like they making. What is their physical tents, you know, are they curl up with me? Are they jumping up and down and playing another game while they're watching stuff?
[00:10:27] What are they doing? What do I here? Why am I here? I'm here to spend time with them. I want you to learn to answer those questions about every moment so you can savor every piece of it. The way you do that is by answering questions well enough that you could write an extraordinarily descriptive. A couple of pages on what happened in, in maybe even five minutes guys.
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[00:13:46] So stop living in your head because that's not reality. It's the same gratification as people find in video games, guys, and it's not real stop being. So self-conscious, if you're worried about what everybody else is going to say about it, you can not be in the moment that actually drags you away from the moment because it inspires fear.
[00:14:07] I don't want you guys to be afraid because there's no reason for you to be afraid of other people learn to savor the moment. Guys, learn to be able to take in so much information about your current situation that you can describe it so adequately. You would be a good book. Number four, guys, I want you to plan plan, plan, plan, plan, and I'll say it again.
[00:14:26] Plan some more life is hectic. We all get it. In fact, when I was researching for this show, a lot of things. I said, Hey, one of the greatest things you can do to be in the moment is get to the point where you can lose yourself in the moment and not even notice that you've lost the time that's impractical guys.
[00:14:45] We all live in reality and in the real world, life is crazy. So it would be impractical for most of us. If I recommended that you, that being in the moment so much, that you could lose track of your time. That would be nice. And if you have the opportunity sure. Try that out. Okay. But, well, that's a great thing.
[00:15:05] Most of us have to live in reality and that's just not possible. So a couple months ago, I did an interview with a TEDx speaker named Raj Subrameyer . In fact, I don't even think of it. It was a couple months ago. I think it was a couple of episodes ago. So go back and catch Raj to remind. He's a tremendous speaker and we talked about how to balance it all.
[00:15:25] Well, one of the things we talked about at length is using a calendar to organize your life. But Brent dude, I, I like to be spontaneous and just go with the moment and you can't be in the moment, schedule your whole life. Dude there's just no room. The fact is that's how most successful people live guys, whether you want to believe it or not.
[00:15:50] That's why, how most people, most successful people live. That's why you see businessman like Elon Musk, Gary Vaynerchuk, and Robert Kiyosaki just live with an assistant at their side. That personal assistant is trusted with their entire life and charge of keeping them on schedule. The reason they do that is they're able to deeply immerse themselves into whatever they're doing at that current moment.
[00:16:20] And they count on someone else to move them along and move them to the next thing. When it's time to keep them on schedule these. Scheduled down to five minute and 15 minute increments all the time. And you may have to do that. You may not be able to schedule an hour at a time. You may not be able to schedule 30 minutes.
[00:16:38] You may have to schedule 10 or 15 minutes. I have schedule in breaks for myself, right. We schedule in breaks for my kids during their day as they homeschool. So why don't you schedule and breaks for yourself? Well, because they live on that schedule, it allows them to completely immerse themselves. In that moment now, like me, you may not be able to pay someone to keep your calendar for you, but you can keep it for yourself, whatever task you were in during that time period, be all in.
[00:17:09] If you're updating social media for 15 minutes and update social media for 15 minutes and do nothing else. If your working on your job for these four hours, I'm in on this job, if you're having lunch somewhere, I have a 45 minute lunch with this person today. Turn off the cell phone or turn on mute, put it down.
[00:17:30] Don't touch it. Don't look for a TV. Don't listen to music. Don't fidget. Look at that person and have lunch with that person be in the moment. And you can do that because you're scheduled. Okay. Whatever task you're in during that period, be all in the other worries. All actually have a scheduled spot on your calendar.
[00:17:51] So they'll get their 15 minutes when it's due, which means you don't have to worry about them while you're doing something else, because you've already got time scheduled to deal with that issue. So it doesn't have to eat at the back of your mind. You don't have to let those things occupy space anywhere in your head.
[00:18:07] So you can be in the moment because they have their scheduled place. If you wonder how serious I am about this guys, I have literally turned down three podcast appearances over there, recording. Because the time period in which they were available schedule, and a lot of people apparently scheduled to record on Wednesdays.
[00:18:27] Those three podcasts they're set schedules. The only time they interviewed our recorded was on a Wednesday. I turned down three different appearances because that time is sacred to be on my schedule. It's blocked off, put it on your schedule, don't bend, but be all in on whatever your. Schedule it. So you can be where you are in that moment and everything has its place.
[00:18:50] So it doesn't distract you guys. If you're believing what we're doing here, a little side note commercial here. If you believe in what we're doing with this podcast, and you want to be a part of it, you can head over to Patrion directly or there's link on my website. Also, I have buy me a coffee and you can do a one-time or you can be a regular supporter on buy me a coffee is.
[00:19:14] My supporters have direct input into the content we create, depending on where you are in your support level. Guys, I'm not going to give you anything fancy. I'm going to give you access to being a part of the mission we're on here to help men reach their best selves. That's what we're about. So if that's something you're into, you can connect with me there, guys, and that would help us a lot.
[00:19:38] And that would help you be a part of this mission that we're on here at the fallible. Number five guys, stop avoiding and procrastinating run towards it. If something is bothering, you are sitting in the back of your head occupying space. Knock that shit out. Procrastination and avoidance are the enemies of peace.
[00:20:00] They prevent you from being present and focused because of the stress over unfinished business will sidetrack any chance you have of being in the moment. And I've shared with you over and over. I began the idea of do hard. If you haven't gotten that you caught that YouTube video, be sure. And go to my YouTube channel, check it out.
[00:20:18] It is a two minute clip. Do hard things. Give yourself the freedom you need by putting on your calendar and get it done. If you're procrastinating on something, if you're avoiding something, schedule it, put on the calendar, make a plan, set a date, knock it out. Stop letting avoidance and procrastination ruin your ability to be in the.
[00:20:42] 'cause that's always nine in the back of your mind guys. Number six is I want you to notice new things about every situation that you're in. We have these autopilot moments. When all of a sudden we realize like we've been driving and we don't remember the last 10 minutes. Hopefully you don't have those too often, but let's be honest.
[00:21:03] Most of us have had those moments or when we read something or watch something, but it's like, we blacked out during that time. And I know I talked to him about when you fall asleep on the couch, watching tele. I'm talking about when you read a book and you have no idea what the last couple of pages that you read happened to say, or when you're watching a show, but it's already at the end and you don't remember actually watching the show, Dr.
[00:21:27] Ellen Langer of Harvard university calls these mindless times when you're so lost in your thought that you aren't aware of your present experience. As a result, life passes you by, without registering on you at all, which has happened. Now, the best way to avoid such blackouts Langer has to say our Langer says in her research is to develop a habit of always noticing new things and whatever situation you're in this process creates engagement in the present moment.
[00:22:02] Now guys, if you take the time to look because life is constantly changing and you know, it it's uncomfortable for some of us, some of us like things to say the same, but if you look at every situation, I'll use my daughter citizens' example. Again, we watch a movie or do something together every Wednesday afternoon.
[00:22:21] We don't watch the same movie. Sometimes we watch the same movie. Sometimes we watch a different. Sometimes the girls are wearing different clothes, hopefully cause they're wearing clean clothes. Sometimes we do something entirely different. Sometimes we have a different stack. Sometimes it's a different time of day.
[00:22:37] When we get started, we do a lot of the same thing over and over and over again in this experience we had together, but there is always something. Maybe it's recently, my youngest daughter lost another tooth that was new. Sometimes this a different movie. Sometimes we have a snack or don't have a snack.
[00:22:58] Sometimes we sit in a different spot in the living room. Sometimes we have a campfire outside. There's always something going, maybe it's my daughter's telling me about something that they did today. That was different. The way that you are focused on being in the moment when you do something that's repetitive, something you do on a regular basis, guys is to look for the new things that engaged you, mentally engaged your mental focus, your visual sensory, and engages your hearing it again, just the full experience and allows you to be present in that moment.
[00:23:35] Now, guys, you know, I'm not perfect. You know, I would never pretend that I am okay. We have this conversation all the time. That's why this is the fallible man. And I can tell you, I am working on this every day. I can be really bad about not putting down my phone and I will encourage you guys. If I've told you a time and time again, put down your phone, your phone is one of the greatest distractions in your life, and it steals from you being in the moment.
[00:24:02] It is designed to be every app, the phone itself. Your attention is a multi-billion dollar industry and it is designed to steal your attention and keep you focused on it. It is a crazy time in life. Don't Rob yourself in the moments that. I'm still working on this. It takes work. You have to put in the difficult work to break old patterns and to be present, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually be present it's especially.
[00:24:37] And I cannot emphasize enough, especially. When other people are involved. Okay. My children know the difference between when I'm sitting with them on the couch, watching a movie. And when I'm sitting with them on the couch, flipping through my phone, while they watch a movie, they know it, they feel it. And they address it because I promised them that time that people in your life need you to learn to do this.
[00:25:02] They need you to be, do this for yourself. Guys going back to weightlifting part of the re like I can go into the gym and get an incredible workout in 15 or 20 minutes while other people can do it in hours. Other times I spend longer than that. I can go in and knock out my workout and be solidly, beat, and thoroughly, like thoroughly have gotten a good workout in 15 minutes.
[00:25:27] Why? Because I put in my headset and I do the work and I put weight on the challenges. And I do rep and I do rep ranges. That challenge me because I am deeply in that moment because I know I don't have an hour and a half or two hours to go work out. You have to put that same focus on everything you do.
[00:25:46] If you're answering emails schedule, I've got 20 minutes to answer your. And give yourself a timeline, get on it and answer those emails. Do nothing else. Don't touch your phone or if you're answering them on your phone, don't look at anything else. If you need to update your social media, because that's how you make a living and that's what you work, do it for five minutes and get out.
[00:26:06] Okay. Be in that present moment, put down your phone. All the words are still going to be there later. The world will still be crazy. Turn off the television, be present with yourself and those you love. You'll be more productive. And more successful in all aspects of your life. If you can learn this one simple skill of being in the moment, guys do it.
[00:26:30] You owe this to yourself and to the people you love be in the moment, be present in everything you do. If you're eating dinner with your family, be at dinner. If you're on the phone in the meeting, be in that meeting, stop dividing your attention. And instead learn to be a hundred percent in while you're doing it and just schedule it out.
[00:26:51] So that way, you know, everything is takin care of. Guys, thanks for spending the time with me today. I really appreciate you listening. I know this will help you if you apply it until then be better tomorrow because of what you do today. And we'll see you in the next show.